Hey. Yeah. So I did a quick breakdown yesterday and made a schedule for my self-evaluation breakdown for the Semester Project (Self-evaluation is a required component of the project, because it has to have useful, helpful, and applicable attributions to my happy, heallthy, and fully-functional life):

Anyway, I did a major de-cluttering today (and tomorrow too), because I'm finally moving out of my neighborhood here in downtown, where just recently, a man's body was found slain.  Just last semester, there's also been 2 fire incidents nearby, whereby policemen found the cases "suspicious". Two semesters ago, the owner of the pizza place right across my building was murdered.

So, you get the idea.

So, anyway, I got a bad news last night from my new roommate. She's not going to be here by the end of March, and so does my other roommates. So I have to go through the trouble to find roommates immediately right after I settle down to my new place starting tomorrow. Phew.

My first thought last night was really, why? why? WHY?

But you know, for the purposes of positive psychology here, I shifted my thought to dreamy things like, hmmm perhaps I will be sharing my unit with a comforting person later, or a hot dude I can cook my meals too, or, you know, wherever my imagination goes.

After I got rid of my table, chair, dresser, bedframe, and desk today, and selling my humongous bags of clothes, I feel so, so, so good. In my new place I'm going to share a bedroom, so I've got minimal space with a private balcony by my side, looking over the city. Oh yeah.

I think the major sources of stress was due to my spatial arrangements, internally and physically, of my room. I know it sounds stupid, but the more space you have around you, and the less stuff you have, and the more organized you are with you and your stuff, your behaviors, in return, will benefit to more positive changes. In my five years of living in the States, I've probably moved around more than 7 times. I think.

Probably my mind is wandering about, trying to fit in to the "right" American culture here. But I finally accepted the fact that I will never fit in. I belong 100% in Asia. (NOTE: Self-acceptance!)

On the other hand, probably it's due to the fact that I'm born in the Year of the Horse. I'm never settled, I love to be free, and my poetries and sketches are all about freedom and liberty, my best friends knew better than to witness my "wild" side, and the fact that I'm just as afraid of commitments as any straight guy.

As a defense mechanism, I love using humor to hide my low conscientiousness (I am very impulsive, which can be either romantic or careless; and I think better on my feet) and high neuroticism (insecurities, instability, ... I can't believe I'm saying this out loud), out of openness, extraversion, and agreeableness (See: The Big Five Factors of Personality Traits). Pretty much like Friends beloved comedian, Chandler Muriel Bing (Oh, that name! Always cracks me up). Yeah, and the defense mechanism I always unconsciously apply to hide my ultra weak, feminine self, oh-so-soft like porcelain and can always break down and cry easily, I tend to cover it all up with lots of negative thoughts, self-denial, and all the major pathological and immature defense mechanisms.

 

Anyway, I'm letting it go, letting it all go. I don't want no resistance holding me inside, stuffed with bad, puffy air and double the stress. I'd like to use the least defense mechanisms as possible to tackle the endless conflicts between my galloping id and my controlling superego. There's magic in looking at the bright side of tough situations, because I remember that Someone up there is by my side, doing behind-the-scenes work. I'll just have to tackle my problems one by one, spacing out more rather than massing life's stresses, ups and downs, all at once. Gosh, how much of a control-freak I can be?

I think this is what they call sublimation. Somehow, my troubles fade away slowly every time I shift my thoughts to other things I love thinking about.

I'm probably having a full-body massage tonight. Tomorrow's going to be moving day!